Looking at these pictures, I have to laugh. Not because they are funny, but because they remind me of this man, this wonderful man who I adored. The man I wanted to marry. The man I loved. The man who got away. I was dancing at this club in Berlin and he was the manager. The first moment I saw him, I saw something special in his eyes. I can't say what, but they sparkled, which I still find strange because they were brown. Usually blue or green eyes draw people in, but the moment I looked into his eyes, I was smitten. Of course, he didn't say anything to me. In fact, he didn't show any interest whatsoever. Now, I thought I was pretty and attractive at the time, and lots of men asked me out, but this man…All he ever said to me was, “Hello,” “Goodbye,” “You're on,” and “Good show.” That was it. During a year, I would do anything to catch his attention, which is why these pictures remind me of him. I started by playing hard to get. Smiling, than looking away. Showing enough interest in him to make him think I wanted him, but not going any further. After a week of this, I realized it wouldn't work. I needed another plan. So, I asked him out to lunch. Nothing sexual, just lunch. He told me he didn't have time. I asked him out again. He said he already had lunch plans. I asked him out again, and again another excuse. Pretty soon, I lost track of how many times I asked him to lunch and how many excuses he gave. By now, I was desperate, so I started to dress sexy, at least I thought I was dressing sexy. I would show as much of my breasts as I could, and he would look at my legs. I would wear sexy stockings, and he would look the other way. I wore a fishnet body stocking one time and he didn't even glance. Needless to say, it was very frustrating. Plus, I was young and a bit immature, so I couldn't accept that he just didn't want me. I didn't understand. But, now I do. Some people are just made for each other and some aren't. And, even if you think you are, both have to believe or else it won't happen. I certainly believed, but he didn't. Now, I often wonder about him. I haven't seen him in years and, no, we never did go to lunch. The sad part was, the only time he did show any interest in me was when he was engaged. I didn't tell you that, did I? He got engaged. And, when he did, he started to talk to me. We would have chats — innocent talks that didn't amount to anything, but meant the world to me. One time, he told me that he saw something and it made him think of me. He was actually thinking of me. I thought there was hope. But, still, we never did anything. The worst part was, after a while, I didn't even think of him sexually. I just wanted to get to know him. I know that sounds strange, because if he offered, I would have gone anywhere and did anything he said. But, really, I didn't think we would go to lunch and have sex. It was enough that we went to lunch and talked. I could ask him all kinds of questions. Like, who invented liquid soap, and why? Why is the sky blue when space is black? (Actually, I know the answer…refraction of light, correct?) I would have liked to have seen if he chewed with his mouth open, or talked with food in his mouth. If he held my chair for me. If he opened the door for me. If he ordered a Coke or a Diet Coke. If he wore cologne or was natural. If his hands were as delicate as they were strong? If…he liked me. I still wonder…and I guess I will never know. Sometimes, now, I think I am fortunate. You see, he was my fantasy…and how can a fantasy be real? The way I see it, he was perfect just the way he was. He was my dream come true, and he will always be that…up here. In my head. In my mind. In that infinite space where lost love becomes paradise found and is special forever. In the land of dreams, where we are all perfect and every moment is magical. Yes, I am a dreamer. I always have been. And, I am a hopeless romantic. I'm sorry if I have bored all of you this week, ranting and raving about lost love. But, that's how I am. I start thinking about something and I cannot stop. As so many of you have e-mailed me, you have discovered that there is a lot more to me than just pictures. I hope, through these talks, I am sharing some of who I am with you and that way you can better understand me. I also hope I have not scared too many of you off. If I have, I apologize. As I am prone to say, please do not confuse my eccentricity with dysfunction. I think I am as normal as the next person. Actually, I know I am. I know many of you have had experiences like the one I described, because many of you are romantics as well. And now I am going off to sleep, where my love will be there waiting for me, as he is almost every night when I am feeling lonely. We will walk barefoot, hand-in-hand on a secluded beach, then will will lay down in a green, mountain meadow, and we will talk. We will talk about nothing and everything and I will fall more in love with every syllable he speaks. I hope you have sweet dreams, too. Chloe
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